Oops

I'm still gonna finish this thing, just not at the worldwide release date. Mostly because I'm getting the game later than everyone else but also I think I'm just gonna go dark on internet until then.

Don't wanna tempt fate.

Also, I haven't slowed down onaon watching these movies. I'm about three or four ahead without a post for them and they're quick.

Joelchard Donmacher (#7/15)

"So, Zach. Which Richard Donner movie do you like the best? No need to hurry. Take some time and think it over. I went to see every Richard Donner movie on the day they premiered. Every single one!

"Goonies,"
"Lost Boys."
The "Lethal Weapon" series..."

Now Playing: The Lost Boys (1987)
Expectations: Yep, we're milking this York quote for one more movie. If he's got a favorite Donner movie I suppose I'd like to know mine.

I've only seen the "You're eating worms, Michael" scene and the parody of it in What We Do in the Shadows. Also, I am aware of Kiefer Sutherland's existence. I'm a much bigger fan of his father, especially in the Body Snatchers remake.

Reality: So first off, not a Richard Donner directing job per se but actually this is a Joel Schumacher flick. Donner worked on it and was intending to direct when a script came into his midst from an upstart writer named Shane Black. That was the first Lethal Weapon. Fortunately thought, this was Schumacher's darling, and he was perfectly content with how it came out.

And how did it happen? Basically he called up his prop and effect designer Greg Cannom and said "Hey, I got a bunch of sexy children. Let's make Peter Pan with vampires and they're teenagers." And it came to pass...

Schumacher, by all accounts delightful and direct, really nails it. I mean sure, unfortunately vampires will always be the 'sexy' monster. Doesn't take a degree to get into that, the exchange of bodily fluids brought on by uncontrollable, almost magical urges and whatnot. Fine. But they're actually pretty clever and funny about it in this one. They figure out a way to use every vampire thing and make it into a way to make the characters look cooler. Like shades and popped collars for vampire sun protection. That kind of thing. There's also a ton of references to schlock and pulpy movies. (Seriously, what sort of child had a poster of a Sybil Danning movie?)

Everybody talks about how queer this one is. I don't think I'm gonna. It was probably not an accident, but the razor's edge chance it was deliberate was a genius accident. This poster is on Corey Haim's bedroom closet though.

Yep, that's Rob Lowe.

I feel like this is one of those "You'll see it eventually" movies but sure, give it a go if you haven't. The 80's fashion is pretty great. They spent an appropriate amount of time on every single character's whole jam. Alex Winter's hair is so gnar. Like he's smuggling shag carpet samples and the only space on his person not already full of cigarettes was the back of his head. I'm not huge on 80's when used as an entire genre so it's nice to see this just to see all the over the top crap with little to no irony. Definitely a bunch that Stranger Things yoinked from this one if that's your cup of tea.


Later, dude.

Monster of the Day

It's Jeff Bezos!

There Be White Gold in Them There Hills (#6/15)

"So, Zach. Which Richard Donner movie do you like the best? No need to hurry. Take some time and think it over. I went to see every Richard Donner movie on the day they premiered. Every single one!

"Goonies,"
"Lost Boys."
The "Lethal Weapon" series.

But my favorite has to be "Ladyhawke." That was back in 1985, the same year as "Goonies." Both Rutger Hauer and Michelle Pfeiffer really shine in that one. but more than anything, it's the story setting that was really good. A love story about a cursed knight that changes into a wolf at night. And a cursed maiden that changes into a hawk during the day. Very romantic. Don't you think so, Zach? They can only be together at dusk, right between day and night... Together as humans for only a brief moment. Perfect setting for a fantasy movie!"

Now Playing: Ladyhawke (1985)
Expectations: I completely expect what York told me. Probably a goofy Princess Bride type flick.

Reality: Who invited Matthew Broderick? He's fine, but he's barely an actor. Especially when he was just a kid he does the same bit as Daisy Ridley. Make a slightly bewildered face with your mouth slightly agape, crying now and again to remind the audience that extreme human emotions exist too.

Broderick's okay though, he can be ignored. York did too. Doesn't even get a single mention in all that and Broderick's wily thief character is our main narration and constant comedic relief. He's got an accent in this movie but just enough of one to let you know he's attempting it without sounding like anyone other than himself (acting). All right, he's off the hook.

Rutger Hauer is fun too but not stupendous. His obvious magnum opus is Roy Batty from Blade Runner, you can just see the natural smile on his face as absolute pearls fall from his mouth. My recommendation since I'd still like to give one is actually a single season of a TV show nobody watched called Channel Zero. If you cut it into a movie it would be one of the best horror movies of the last decade. In season 3 (anthology, so you can skip right to it), Hauer plays a powerful haunting force who belonged to a wealthy meat packing empire in the midwest. Obviously it's representative of real horrors since it's good genre material but it does a great job of making them relevant to the plight of a fresh from college type. It's got a good mix of new age as well as eternal issues that wrack society, especially low income. Highlights include a gothic dinner table mind control lobotomy and an endless field of flowers that grow from the mandrakes of human hands.



I should also mention he plays a blind vigilante karate master 'Nam vet in Blind Rage. How could I not?

Can you tell the movie in question bored me a little? It's got a positively 80's soundtrack but it's a bit stuck in time in a moldy sense. About the second or third time someone hopped onto a horse with funky Steely Dan jams backing them it got less and less funny. The closest thing to a surprise is when Alfred Molina shows up as a henchman. He rocks the role but it wouldn't be several years before he got the proper amount of breathing room to bring a great movie villain to life. Zach knows who I'm talking about.

This plays like an overlong Kevin Sorbo Hercules episode. And I sincerely hope you take that comment for what it means to you. Overall, I am glad to have seen it and I generally recognize Richard Donner as a certified cool dude so bless York for paying his dues here. I always give Broderick a chance to blow me away but usually it's the strength of the movie he's in that lifts him up...

I've given the finale of this series a good bit of thought, and I think you'll be happy with what I've got cooking. It feels good to be able to pluralize my reader base now even if this is just a digital version of the diaries I've been keeping for ages. So thanks fellas, stay peachy.

Now We're Cooking (Larvae) With Gas (#5/15)

"Speaking of 80's movies, one jewel in the rough comes to mind. "Deadly Spawn." You remember that one, Zach? Back in 83, directed by Douglas McKeown. Right, it was filmed pretty cheap but still it was pretty good. The monster design, with the mouth crammed full of teeth, I loved it. So many delicious B-movie cliches! Did you know that they made a sequel? But I never got to see the sequel. The rental store didn't have it, for some reason. They said the staff for the sequel was totally different from the original. I wonder how the sequel turned out. You know, the monster in that one responded to sound."

Now Playing: The Deadly Spawn (1983)
Expectations: York does a pretty thorough job here, as usual, but more so since you really get a feel for what this is. Here we go!

Reality: I now cherish this movie! Also, I appreciate York (Hidetaka Suehiro I suppose) even more for deciding it was worth celebrating and finding out a way to make this little reference into a disguised clue for players of the game. There's a great movie night here just waiting to happen.

First off, this may disappoint some moviegoers just looking for a dumb, brainless monster movie. It does deliver on that but it plays even better to the enthusiast. If you've seen a couple joints like this one and enjoyed them, strap in because this is worth finding even late in your schlock career. Your B-movie journey is not over. (/SPOILER/ It never is. /SPOILER/)

Pete is a scientific shut-in who has eyes for Ellen who is all too often with Frankie for Pete's liking. They all go to a house under the pretense of a studying session (it wouldn't be relatable or cliche if it didn't work so well...) and there's an alien in the basement. That's it. The fun thing about a pressure situation in one room or one house just means you can enjoy the characters more as they bounce off each other. And I saved the best one for last.

Charlie is the young kid who's always watching horror movies and designing his own costumes. We see this character all the time of course as the director's self-insert. Usually, I love when this happens but when used outside of horror it can get pretty insufferable. Milo from Society is Brian Yuzna, wardrobe and all. Also in The Monster Squad there's one kid wearing this shirt which is obviously not something any kid would do in a vacuum. Charlie though is the knowledgeable ally in this one. The fun part is how Charlie and Pete study the monster in their own ways. Pete with a scientific brain and mindfulness, and Charlie because of his bravery and movie monster knowledge.

Monster Squad, Society, The Deadly Spawn

They start by studying the monster larvae which look like little leeches. The puppets are all really good and the way they swim is just excellent. My guess is they were pulled along with strings just below the waterline but socketed over a wavy metal rod (think cleaning off a dipstick) to give them that flagellating movement. The design really is sublime; all I'll say is they're very... Giger inspired if you know what I mean and I do believe you do. A betting man would say the Deadly Spawns are goy.

I'll have to check out that sequel York was talking about. Actually, Google doesn't even make it easy to find it so if it's that obscure now then York really knew his stuff back when the OG Premonition dropped.

Maybe I'll drive out to Bend, Oregon and pick up the sequel at the last Blockbuster Video on the planet, just in honor of York. Check this one out and I'll see you again in one, maybe two days. Good night Markus!

Dog Person Dislikes Cat People (#4/15)

"We have Nastassja Kinski in the lead role and Paul Schrader directing. Back in 1981... That's right, Zach! Cat People! About a woman who turns into a leopard when she falls in love... And then eats the person she loves! I thought it was romantic! Real romance right there, Zach! Nastassja was perfect for that role. Casting her made the movie a success. Malcolm McDowell as her brother was also a good call. He's like a panther even without any of that special Hollywood make up!"

Now Playing: Cat People (1982)
Expectations: Not really sure if this is going to be hilarious or arty but it's pretty clear what it's about.

Reality: Nastassja Kinski spends 40% of Cat People totally nude. Not important, but it does tell you how unnecessary this movie is. So does Annette O'Toole at one point just to drive the point home. Supposedly there are really heavy topics like incest and serious abuse at the hands of family members that this movie wants to talk about but they're just... part of it. I just think there needed to be a reason for the movie to have those topics in the first place. It gets even darker if you know anything about Nastassja Kinski's father but I'll leave that alone. I had no idea who Paul Schrader was but I guess he's done really great stuff before. Directed First Reformed and wrote a handful of movies for Scorsese, even. Including Taxi Driver and my personal favorite Scorsese pick, Bringing out the Dead. That was an adapted screenplay as well as Cat People, which was a remake too.

I just wasn't feeling it. John Heard, another Home Alone actor, who played Kevin's dad in that one is now the love interest of Kinski. He's not particularly interested in getting eaten by a cat during pillow talk and basically the movie's about how to fix that. Malcolm McDowell plays a full tilt window licking creep with cat eyes which is really his element now, isn't it? Let me just say... he plays an affectionate brother.

York was right about McDowell of course, but his character wasn't even in the original movie. Which also means that all that heavy shit didn't need to be there, especially if it gets ignored anyway. They could have attempted to make the concept, I don't know, fun? It's pretty out there that York thought this was romantic but as it goes it's just another minute detail to clue you into where Deadly Premonition is going and how you can expect York to react to things.

Gettin' to Da Choppah (#3/15)

"Blue Thunder! Came out in 1983 and was directed by John Badham. Malcolm plays the bad guy in that one. Just totally outshines the hero, Roy Scheider... least I think so. I have to say, not many people agree with me about Blue Thunder."

Now Playing: Blue Thunder (1983)
Expectations: Totally blank slate. I know Roy Scheider's in it and there may or may not be a helicopter?

Reality: A perfectly good underdog of an action movie with a slow burn and a final act worth waiting for. Roy Scheider plays a 'Nam vet helicopter pilot cop with Daniel Stern (the Home Alone goon who isn't Joe Pesci) as his green screwball protégé. He gets wrapped up in a plot to heavily over-militarize the police force with the main centerpiece: Blue Thunder, a Robocop level over the top super chopper.



Roy Scheider's character is perfect. Not understated, not played out; just right for the movie and never overplays it's hand. The dressing-downs from the no nonsense chief in this are extremely fun but not cartoony. Like barbershop ribbing that feels written. The weakest part would be Daniel Stern's goofball wingman but he's more than paid for by a great adversary played by Malcolm McDowell. I gotta disagree a bit with York here as I have a lot of appreciation for an understated hero but Malcolm definitely brings it.

Rest assured the slow moments of the movie are doing their due diligence, laying out the train tracks for the explosive ending full of gratifying callbacks and whatnot. I really cannot oversell the ending, it is that good. You get a very classic finale even though it's pretty clear how it will wrap up long before then.

All right, so if I'm telling the truth why haven't you heard of Blue Thunder? Good question. As always, this movie's most egregious sin may well be because 1983 was a dynamite year for movies in the first place so a standout is... unlikely. But if you can handle a deliberate cop movie and a more subtle take to the Robocop blueprint, Blue Thunder crushes it.