Oops

I'm still gonna finish this thing, just not at the worldwide release date. Mostly because I'm getting the game later than everyone else but also I think I'm just gonna go dark on internet until then.

Don't wanna tempt fate.

Also, I haven't slowed down onaon watching these movies. I'm about three or four ahead without a post for them and they're quick.

Joelchard Donmacher (#7/15)

"So, Zach. Which Richard Donner movie do you like the best? No need to hurry. Take some time and think it over. I went to see every Richard Donner movie on the day they premiered. Every single one!

"Goonies,"
"Lost Boys."
The "Lethal Weapon" series..."

Now Playing: The Lost Boys (1987)
Expectations: Yep, we're milking this York quote for one more movie. If he's got a favorite Donner movie I suppose I'd like to know mine.

I've only seen the "You're eating worms, Michael" scene and the parody of it in What We Do in the Shadows. Also, I am aware of Kiefer Sutherland's existence. I'm a much bigger fan of his father, especially in the Body Snatchers remake.

Reality: So first off, not a Richard Donner directing job per se but actually this is a Joel Schumacher flick. Donner worked on it and was intending to direct when a script came into his midst from an upstart writer named Shane Black. That was the first Lethal Weapon. Fortunately thought, this was Schumacher's darling, and he was perfectly content with how it came out.

And how did it happen? Basically he called up his prop and effect designer Greg Cannom and said "Hey, I got a bunch of sexy children. Let's make Peter Pan with vampires and they're teenagers." And it came to pass...

Schumacher, by all accounts delightful and direct, really nails it. I mean sure, unfortunately vampires will always be the 'sexy' monster. Doesn't take a degree to get into that, the exchange of bodily fluids brought on by uncontrollable, almost magical urges and whatnot. Fine. But they're actually pretty clever and funny about it in this one. They figure out a way to use every vampire thing and make it into a way to make the characters look cooler. Like shades and popped collars for vampire sun protection. That kind of thing. There's also a ton of references to schlock and pulpy movies. (Seriously, what sort of child had a poster of a Sybil Danning movie?)

Everybody talks about how queer this one is. I don't think I'm gonna. It was probably not an accident, but the razor's edge chance it was deliberate was a genius accident. This poster is on Corey Haim's bedroom closet though.

Yep, that's Rob Lowe.

I feel like this is one of those "You'll see it eventually" movies but sure, give it a go if you haven't. The 80's fashion is pretty great. They spent an appropriate amount of time on every single character's whole jam. Alex Winter's hair is so gnar. Like he's smuggling shag carpet samples and the only space on his person not already full of cigarettes was the back of his head. I'm not huge on 80's when used as an entire genre so it's nice to see this just to see all the over the top crap with little to no irony. Definitely a bunch that Stranger Things yoinked from this one if that's your cup of tea.


Later, dude.

Monster of the Day

It's Jeff Bezos!

There Be White Gold in Them There Hills (#6/15)

"So, Zach. Which Richard Donner movie do you like the best? No need to hurry. Take some time and think it over. I went to see every Richard Donner movie on the day they premiered. Every single one!

"Goonies,"
"Lost Boys."
The "Lethal Weapon" series.

But my favorite has to be "Ladyhawke." That was back in 1985, the same year as "Goonies." Both Rutger Hauer and Michelle Pfeiffer really shine in that one. but more than anything, it's the story setting that was really good. A love story about a cursed knight that changes into a wolf at night. And a cursed maiden that changes into a hawk during the day. Very romantic. Don't you think so, Zach? They can only be together at dusk, right between day and night... Together as humans for only a brief moment. Perfect setting for a fantasy movie!"

Now Playing: Ladyhawke (1985)
Expectations: I completely expect what York told me. Probably a goofy Princess Bride type flick.

Reality: Who invited Matthew Broderick? He's fine, but he's barely an actor. Especially when he was just a kid he does the same bit as Daisy Ridley. Make a slightly bewildered face with your mouth slightly agape, crying now and again to remind the audience that extreme human emotions exist too.

Broderick's okay though, he can be ignored. York did too. Doesn't even get a single mention in all that and Broderick's wily thief character is our main narration and constant comedic relief. He's got an accent in this movie but just enough of one to let you know he's attempting it without sounding like anyone other than himself (acting). All right, he's off the hook.

Rutger Hauer is fun too but not stupendous. His obvious magnum opus is Roy Batty from Blade Runner, you can just see the natural smile on his face as absolute pearls fall from his mouth. My recommendation since I'd still like to give one is actually a single season of a TV show nobody watched called Channel Zero. If you cut it into a movie it would be one of the best horror movies of the last decade. In season 3 (anthology, so you can skip right to it), Hauer plays a powerful haunting force who belonged to a wealthy meat packing empire in the midwest. Obviously it's representative of real horrors since it's good genre material but it does a great job of making them relevant to the plight of a fresh from college type. It's got a good mix of new age as well as eternal issues that wrack society, especially low income. Highlights include a gothic dinner table mind control lobotomy and an endless field of flowers that grow from the mandrakes of human hands.



I should also mention he plays a blind vigilante karate master 'Nam vet in Blind Rage. How could I not?

Can you tell the movie in question bored me a little? It's got a positively 80's soundtrack but it's a bit stuck in time in a moldy sense. About the second or third time someone hopped onto a horse with funky Steely Dan jams backing them it got less and less funny. The closest thing to a surprise is when Alfred Molina shows up as a henchman. He rocks the role but it wouldn't be several years before he got the proper amount of breathing room to bring a great movie villain to life. Zach knows who I'm talking about.

This plays like an overlong Kevin Sorbo Hercules episode. And I sincerely hope you take that comment for what it means to you. Overall, I am glad to have seen it and I generally recognize Richard Donner as a certified cool dude so bless York for paying his dues here. I always give Broderick a chance to blow me away but usually it's the strength of the movie he's in that lifts him up...

I've given the finale of this series a good bit of thought, and I think you'll be happy with what I've got cooking. It feels good to be able to pluralize my reader base now even if this is just a digital version of the diaries I've been keeping for ages. So thanks fellas, stay peachy.

Now We're Cooking (Larvae) With Gas (#5/15)

"Speaking of 80's movies, one jewel in the rough comes to mind. "Deadly Spawn." You remember that one, Zach? Back in 83, directed by Douglas McKeown. Right, it was filmed pretty cheap but still it was pretty good. The monster design, with the mouth crammed full of teeth, I loved it. So many delicious B-movie cliches! Did you know that they made a sequel? But I never got to see the sequel. The rental store didn't have it, for some reason. They said the staff for the sequel was totally different from the original. I wonder how the sequel turned out. You know, the monster in that one responded to sound."

Now Playing: The Deadly Spawn (1983)
Expectations: York does a pretty thorough job here, as usual, but more so since you really get a feel for what this is. Here we go!

Reality: I now cherish this movie! Also, I appreciate York (Hidetaka Suehiro I suppose) even more for deciding it was worth celebrating and finding out a way to make this little reference into a disguised clue for players of the game. There's a great movie night here just waiting to happen.

First off, this may disappoint some moviegoers just looking for a dumb, brainless monster movie. It does deliver on that but it plays even better to the enthusiast. If you've seen a couple joints like this one and enjoyed them, strap in because this is worth finding even late in your schlock career. Your B-movie journey is not over. (/SPOILER/ It never is. /SPOILER/)

Pete is a scientific shut-in who has eyes for Ellen who is all too often with Frankie for Pete's liking. They all go to a house under the pretense of a studying session (it wouldn't be relatable or cliche if it didn't work so well...) and there's an alien in the basement. That's it. The fun thing about a pressure situation in one room or one house just means you can enjoy the characters more as they bounce off each other. And I saved the best one for last.

Charlie is the young kid who's always watching horror movies and designing his own costumes. We see this character all the time of course as the director's self-insert. Usually, I love when this happens but when used outside of horror it can get pretty insufferable. Milo from Society is Brian Yuzna, wardrobe and all. Also in The Monster Squad there's one kid wearing this shirt which is obviously not something any kid would do in a vacuum. Charlie though is the knowledgeable ally in this one. The fun part is how Charlie and Pete study the monster in their own ways. Pete with a scientific brain and mindfulness, and Charlie because of his bravery and movie monster knowledge.

Monster Squad, Society, The Deadly Spawn

They start by studying the monster larvae which look like little leeches. The puppets are all really good and the way they swim is just excellent. My guess is they were pulled along with strings just below the waterline but socketed over a wavy metal rod (think cleaning off a dipstick) to give them that flagellating movement. The design really is sublime; all I'll say is they're very... Giger inspired if you know what I mean and I do believe you do. A betting man would say the Deadly Spawns are goy.

I'll have to check out that sequel York was talking about. Actually, Google doesn't even make it easy to find it so if it's that obscure now then York really knew his stuff back when the OG Premonition dropped.

Maybe I'll drive out to Bend, Oregon and pick up the sequel at the last Blockbuster Video on the planet, just in honor of York. Check this one out and I'll see you again in one, maybe two days. Good night Markus!

Dog Person Dislikes Cat People (#4/15)

"We have Nastassja Kinski in the lead role and Paul Schrader directing. Back in 1981... That's right, Zach! Cat People! About a woman who turns into a leopard when she falls in love... And then eats the person she loves! I thought it was romantic! Real romance right there, Zach! Nastassja was perfect for that role. Casting her made the movie a success. Malcolm McDowell as her brother was also a good call. He's like a panther even without any of that special Hollywood make up!"

Now Playing: Cat People (1982)
Expectations: Not really sure if this is going to be hilarious or arty but it's pretty clear what it's about.

Reality: Nastassja Kinski spends 40% of Cat People totally nude. Not important, but it does tell you how unnecessary this movie is. So does Annette O'Toole at one point just to drive the point home. Supposedly there are really heavy topics like incest and serious abuse at the hands of family members that this movie wants to talk about but they're just... part of it. I just think there needed to be a reason for the movie to have those topics in the first place. It gets even darker if you know anything about Nastassja Kinski's father but I'll leave that alone. I had no idea who Paul Schrader was but I guess he's done really great stuff before. Directed First Reformed and wrote a handful of movies for Scorsese, even. Including Taxi Driver and my personal favorite Scorsese pick, Bringing out the Dead. That was an adapted screenplay as well as Cat People, which was a remake too.

I just wasn't feeling it. John Heard, another Home Alone actor, who played Kevin's dad in that one is now the love interest of Kinski. He's not particularly interested in getting eaten by a cat during pillow talk and basically the movie's about how to fix that. Malcolm McDowell plays a full tilt window licking creep with cat eyes which is really his element now, isn't it? Let me just say... he plays an affectionate brother.

York was right about McDowell of course, but his character wasn't even in the original movie. Which also means that all that heavy shit didn't need to be there, especially if it gets ignored anyway. They could have attempted to make the concept, I don't know, fun? It's pretty out there that York thought this was romantic but as it goes it's just another minute detail to clue you into where Deadly Premonition is going and how you can expect York to react to things.

Gettin' to Da Choppah (#3/15)

"Blue Thunder! Came out in 1983 and was directed by John Badham. Malcolm plays the bad guy in that one. Just totally outshines the hero, Roy Scheider... least I think so. I have to say, not many people agree with me about Blue Thunder."

Now Playing: Blue Thunder (1983)
Expectations: Totally blank slate. I know Roy Scheider's in it and there may or may not be a helicopter?

Reality: A perfectly good underdog of an action movie with a slow burn and a final act worth waiting for. Roy Scheider plays a 'Nam vet helicopter pilot cop with Daniel Stern (the Home Alone goon who isn't Joe Pesci) as his green screwball protégé. He gets wrapped up in a plot to heavily over-militarize the police force with the main centerpiece: Blue Thunder, a Robocop level over the top super chopper.



Roy Scheider's character is perfect. Not understated, not played out; just right for the movie and never overplays it's hand. The dressing-downs from the no nonsense chief in this are extremely fun but not cartoony. Like barbershop ribbing that feels written. The weakest part would be Daniel Stern's goofball wingman but he's more than paid for by a great adversary played by Malcolm McDowell. I gotta disagree a bit with York here as I have a lot of appreciation for an understated hero but Malcolm definitely brings it.

Rest assured the slow moments of the movie are doing their due diligence, laying out the train tracks for the explosive ending full of gratifying callbacks and whatnot. I really cannot oversell the ending, it is that good. You get a very classic finale even though it's pretty clear how it will wrap up long before then.

All right, so if I'm telling the truth why haven't you heard of Blue Thunder? Good question. As always, this movie's most egregious sin may well be because 1983 was a dynamite year for movies in the first place so a standout is... unlikely. But if you can handle a deliberate cop movie and a more subtle take to the Robocop blueprint, Blue Thunder crushes it.

Talkin' Flicks with Me, Myself, and Zach (#2/15)


"Filmed in 1978. Produced, directed, written and edited by John De Bello. It was really awful but for some reason I still remember it pretty well. It had so many sequels and the original was re-released in 95. 87 minute long theatrical release, bumped up to a whopping 90 minutes! But that was around the time I joined the bureau. I never had a chance to see it..."

We're talkin' of course, about
Now Playing: Attack of the Killer Tomatoes (1990)
Expectations: I'm setting the bar lower than a limbo stick tonight. These are mostly B movies after all. The only thing I've heard of this movie is what York told me and honestly that was mostly about the DVD format wars. The man loves his special features. I'm expecting some classic zombie movie spoofs, and some cutesy humor.

Reality: Adorable. Where to begin? First off, this is one of those slapstick comedies with tons of sight gags and dad joke energy just radiating off of it like Chernobyl. Too fun. Immediately it starts off with the theme song: "AttaAAAAAAck of the Killer Toe MAYY Tooooes!" Probably not everyone will be but I was pretty charmed to imagine John De Bello just working late in his study writing the lyrics while his wife yelled at him to come to bed. The songs are bad. For better and for worse.

One bit that got some laughs out of me was when the gov't set up their anti-tomato task force with a chief of disguises. Every 15 minutes or so we'd check in on this serious black dude in a roly poly tomato costume. This movie is precious, but don't watch it if you're not down with the Top Secret or Naked Gun modus operandi of humor. There's tons of influence going on here; I even think the ending may have inspired Mars Attacks which seems like a very safe thing to say given my audience.

Here's a fun full circle fact: This was Dana Ashbrook's first role before he took on Bobby Briggs in Twin Peaks. Well that was fun, good one York. I'll see you next time!

Movie Night With Agent York (#1/15)


Welcome to the first of a fifteen part series where I briefly rate Mr. Francis York Morgan's favorite movies as laid out in his monologues (dialogues?) as told in Deadly Premonition culminating long-awaited, never expected sequel due July 10th.

Now Playing: Arachnophobia (1990)
Expectations: Oh boy. None, really. Frank Marshall sucks a whole hell of a lot and doesn't usually direct movies. Then again neither did his wife, Kathleen Kennedy, but that hasn't stopped either of them from reaching peak Hollywood clout. The only movie of his I'd seen before was Congo and I still don't forgive Aaron for picking it. Congo somehow managed to make an ape laser fight on a river of lava boring and really, don't that tell all?
















Reality: Goddamnit York. We're not off to a great start. Halfway through the movie I was begging for the human characters to jump into a spider's mouth. Jeff Daniels plays an asshole new-in-town doctor from San Francisco who bitches about an elderly doctor not giving up his spot despite his very understandable stated reason for not retiring: all his friends are dead and he has nothing else in life. You know those movies where the dad is too much of a wage slave and he ends up showing his family how much he cares at the end by throwing his yuppie cell phone out the window? Yeah, he doesn't do that. He just moves back to San Francisco and drinks expensive wine.

Slowly... much too slowly, I realized that the spiders are never going to be larger than tarantula sized. Which is a bit sad as a tarantula owner because knowing how much energy most tarantulas actually have to spend in a day is quite comforting. Anyways, apparently they spent the money instead on importing and training ACTUAL DAMN SPIDERS from New Zealand whilst taking the utmost care to keep them happy despite not actually being able to ship them back afterwards. Supposedly the spiders were subjected to a rigorous slew of tests for general aptitude, leg count, physical agility, speed, endurance, strength, and finally a swimsuit/talent competition. I only told one lie in that sentence.

The movie's fine, I guess. It really does imply there will at least be a giant spider but there's not. Actually, they get smaller as the movie progresses. A bigger sin is misusing John Goodman as just some guy who shows up for a collective 15 minutes or so. At some point I was beginning to hope John Goodman would be the big bad spider at the end but oh well, perish the thought. Ultimately, it also utterly fails the horror movie test of "If I take away the scary is there still an interesting story going on?"

Aight, I'm done with Frank Marshall and his peanut gallery crew. See you tomorrow where I review my life choices. Also Attack of the Killer Tomatoes!! (1978) Isn't that right, Zach?

Monster of the Day

It's the rich! You know, rich people? Them!

Monster of the Day

It's the leprechaun. From THE LEPRECHAUN!

Monster of the Day

It's the Mothman! Look out, Richard Gere!

Monster of the Day

It's the Creeper. From Scooby-Doo.

Here's Hoping: Dune 2020



I thought a good article to write for my audience of one would be an optimistic piece about why Denis Villeneuve's upcoming take on Dune, that monolithic VFW grandpa of modern sci-fi, is shaping up to be not just good but excellent. If at times it trails off or gets lost in the weeds think of this more as my digital summoning circle for the best damn Dune movie that we deserve.

Linguistics
Starting with the absolute sexiest topic, linguistics, it's important to realize how valuable this was both to Herbert's vision but also to creating a believable world in Arrakis. But first, when we think of a desert planet based on the Levant in dryer times we envision, naturally, that there would be things like intense preservation of moisture, weakness to subjugation and slavery, and a very considerable amount of the population being harnessed for the miserable farming of water. But wait --this sounds just like Tatooine, and isn't Star Wars smarter and cooler?

No, get out.

You see, these single biome planets are stupid. So stupid in fact that the one Tatooine was based on not-so-secretly wasn't one. Stupid enough that David Lynch turned down Empire for his original Dune shot in Mexico. George Lucas did not have to read between the lines, he just had to not skip any chapters to know that terraforming the planet was a pretty key item because it meant a symbolic death of culture in the subsequent weaning of the Shai-Hulud in the favor of modernized civilization. Its barren appearance was supposed to be evocative, disarming... even sinister but hey, subtlety doesn't work on everybody and that's okay.



The Arabic and Islamic influences are probably a bit too time consuming to list here, especially since people have done it already if you want to check out this neat summary from Khalid Baheyeldin. I'll just give you two of my favorites and a brief bit on what they mean to me.

The honorific given to Paul, Usul, is based on the Arabic word which may be spelled the same way meaning literally the basis upon which something is built. In some contexts it also means 'of or relating to principles/scruples.' Of the many types of rulers we see in Dune Paul Atreides definitely plays a role more or less opposing of the morally wicked, so the name is apropos. But the evolution of the word usul in our world is also pretty mirroring. For instance, I first heard of this Dune word connection while studying the great Indian tabla player Ustad Alla Rakha. The honorific Ustad was given to him and to few other musicians as a denotation of mastery but the word was originally Persian in origin and spread out from the cradle under many other different interpretations including usul. What's really special and cool to me though is in Indian culture the name is given usually to musicians but it can also be given to teachers of any craft regardless as long as its users wish to show intense appreciation for their teachings. So with the name Usul in Dune, we have a shining man of principle but also a teacher for whom great reverence and gratitude is shown, and will one day be the foundation for what at that point was to be a noble and pure reinvention of Arrakis.

I gotta wrap this one up so I'll go quickly. The Dune word 'kanly' signifies an honor-based duel with knives and derives from the Turkish word kanlı meaning 'bloody' from the stem of blood, 'kan-' a word which in Turkey has come to mean 'sworn enemy.' There's not much to unpack here but we must admire that the practice's first use does in fact take place in a scene that resolves the blood debts of two sworn enemies.

Now go watch Arrival. An alien contact flick about... talking it out. Villeneuve is a lingustics nerd which is very good news with respect to reverence for the sourcemat.



Inspired Casting
As the great mother Mohiam we have Charlotte Rampling, who already has amazing blue eyes so no strange cornea destroying contacts are needed. She was amazing in Zardoz which itself was in some way a great tale of two cities with a clear Athens and a clear Sparta. Finally, there's a bit of closure for her loop as she once was slated to play Lady Jessica in Jodorowsky's Dune until she found out that he had planned to have a scene with about 2,000 extras simultaneously dropping trow and shitting themselves on screen. "Fun" Fact: George Harrison almost played the lead in Holy Mountain until he reached the scene where he was to wash his butthole for like four minutes.



Another great pick is Dave Bautista, who has been the surprise character actor of the century. While he can easily be charming  and funny to boot, it's the pathos of his insect protein farmer Sapper Morton from Blade Runner 2049 that I want to focus on. (This is going to happen to humans by the way.) Ignoring the companion animation, his single scene in Blade Runner was so good and so natural that it managed to immediately set a tragic and somber tone for at least the first half of the film. I don't want to ruin that feeling for you but just trust me when I tell you they came up with all requisite in-universe reasons for a vulnerable, muscle bound, bookworm character from him to play and he slam dunks it.

What I have seen of Chalamet, he'll definitely entice a certain audience that expects a high degree of acting but the supporting characters he'll get to play off are what really have me excited. There are so many, but I want to tell y'all about David Dastmalchian. He should look pretty familiar if you've seen many comic book movies. He even recently wrote his own and there's this promo video he did for it that I watch at least... three times a week. As you can see, he's a lot of fun. But one thing he recently said in an interview (I'd link it if this was a job) was that he loves to pull out all the stops to be the slingshot that sets one of the main characters into a violent trajectory. And if that's not the golden mantra of a supporting character actor, I couldn't word it better myself.



Just in general, the casting for characters like Stilgar, Dr. Yueh, and Liet Kynes leads me to believe that there is much more interest nowadays for diverse casting but before you go, realize that the diversity is not coming from a Roddenberry-esque enlightenment future but more because Herbert had a very athropology focused bent on what the spacefaring human race would actually look like. I hope the hard left and the hard book-to-adaptation fans can either overlap or come together and agree that they truly are making a lot of the right decisions in earnest.

And at the end of the day, all you want is the people who will do the best job. Here's hoping!

Your easy guide to the upcoming biopics

Here are some biopics that don't even need to exist to already never be as good as Walk Hard.



Aretha Franklin played by Jennifer Hudson in Respect
Iggy Pop played by Elijah Wood possibly
Elvis played by Austin Butler in some untitled film by noted orc Baz Luhrmann
Bob Dylan played by Timothée Chalamet in Going Electric
David Bowie played by Johnny Flynn in Stardust
George Jones and Tammy Wynette played by Josh Brolin and Jessica Chastain
'The Shaggs' played by Elsie Fisher in a movie
Boy George played by somebody, (hopefully Danny Devito but maybe Sophie Turner).
Richard Pryor played by Nick Cannon or Marlon Wayans, they don't know
Barry Gibb played by Bradley Cooper
Leonard Bernstein played by Bradley Cooper after a quick smoke break
Dusty Springfield played by Gemma Arterton
Hulk Hogan played by Chris Hemsworth but it's Todd Philips so do with that what you will
Charles Bukowski will be the name of a character interpreted by Josh Peck
Marianne Faithfull played by Lucy Boynton
Michael Jackson played, once again, by a brave soul
Janis Joplin played by Amy Adams
Jimi Hendrix played by Andre Benjamin
Judy Garland played by Renée Zellweger
Ronald Reagan played by Dennis Quaid
Tesla played by Ethan Hawke
Al Capone played by Tom Hardy

These are just a few that we're supposed to be getting all within a year.

The Shape of Water



After watching the original Creature so many times it had become a sleep aid of mine in college, I delayed watching this for so long thinking that a Creature remake could never be done justice even when brought to life by a genius or after winning a meaningless award.

Boy howdy was I glad to be wrong. Sally Hawkins is perfect, the comedy all works, literally everything is visually and sonically impeccable, and Doug Jones and Michael Shannon manage to exude love and anger without a single word. Guillermo del Toro is no doubt a true blue Gill Man stan. (One of us! One of us!)

It takes a lot to have confidence in this life. BUT if you take your tongue out of your cheek and really try to engage with what movies like Bride of Frankenstein, Beauty and the Beast, and fuck it- Shrek are trying to say: (What is a man? Is a man a man without woman? Also in the remake, is a man a man without a man? Are you nobody until somebody loves you?) then you really start to peel back the layers of the fairy tale DNA in del Toro's beautiful brain.

Del Toro also gets the happenings surrounding the original film so well that it hurts how expertly he addresses them in Shape of Water. The magnificent Millicent Patrick didn't deserve her shabby treatment, Kay didn't deserve to be strongarmed into pairing with some shitty Wonderbread man in spite of the events of the original, Julia Adams didn't deserve to be slotted into place as a Hollywood gambit (she didn't mind though, bless her), and Elisa is all of these women and more. Part of the real tragedy of the original is the coequal injustice that never really is addressed, and in Shape of Water, del Toro sees you. He sees all of the misogyny, the negativity, the blind rage, and the injustice of the time period, and asks you to believe not in a perfect world where these all melt away but in a world where an audience of one is all it takes to matter and feel important and loved. That's why it's not enough to have just Shrek or just the Cocteau Beast. The Joseph Campbell people want to say it doesn't matter and the basic conceit of all of these stories is the same and they've got the right. If you got anything from those stories it's that the perfect match doesn't exist until we make them perfect in our perceptions. Shape of Water is here to tell us that again but with layers and newfound nuance that heals the pain of the original movie that most people never put into words. In structure how like an onion...

I think now you're ready to understand why I cried a little during this movie. (Okay, a lottle.) Hope you enjoyed reading this. This post was taken from my Letterboxd account, something I generally won't be doing but I thought it would be an exemplary post to give the new blog home a running start.

Billy Drago


For every chiseled, dreamboat leading man there are precisely a bajillion bit players who routinely (but spectacularly) take one for the team. These talented actors sacrifice personal affectation, appearance, and possibly on-set hygiene to add stakes and personality to what you’re watching. They contrast the hero for an extra pop; and yin to the hero’s yang. Moviegoers and A-listers have them to thank… but not often enough!


Luscious locks

Sadly for actor Billy Drago, he lived faster than I could tell you all about how much fun he was. Last June he passed away of a stroke. His son Darren E. Burrows is also an actor, and has appeared in similar roles like the X-Files and Cry-Baby with Johnny Depp and John Waters. Today we’ll be remembering Mr. Drago and hopefully once we’re done you too will be equipped with all of the tools to spot a wild Billy Drago in his natural habitat: Depicting complete weirdos with an all too natural and individual flair.


Rarely does the man make the cigarette look cool

Now, in his early days of tearing it up in Clint Eastwood movies Drago was actually pretty handsome, but maybe in a sort of alternatively beautiful way that modern audiences seem to appreciate more now in actors like Cumberbatch. For most of the roles I’ll be showcasing here though, I’d characterize him by the wisdom of his white hair worn confidently, his sunken eyes, his vampire teeth, and his waxy, glistening skin that looked like if old butter could be molded into some sort of alcoholic golem. So what do you do when your halcyon days of playing dashing rogues and sinister roadies are winnowed away? You save the production’s makeup money by using your real damn face to play the best vampires and bar none.


Kinda cute (but to whom do I refer?)

My first exposure to Billy Drago was a great episode of the X-Files called “Theef” (s7e14) in which he plays a cajun voodoo houngan necromancer serial killer who does his darndest to make Scully retire. It was a Gilligan script where Billy Drago preys on a surgeon’s family as revenge for failing to save his daughter’s life with medicine rather than more homeopathic methods like dried newts. In the end the role fit like a glove because, even while kidnapping Scully, the tenderness of his generally understated approach made the vengeance angle 1000% believable as X-Files outings go.

When you’re done with Carpenter’s They Live and you want some more Rowdy Roddy Piper in your life, Sci-Fighters is waiting to be discovered along with a complementary side of Billy Drago. The setting is 2009 in far-flung future Boston where detective Roddy Piper must track down Billy Drago, an alien disease infected ghoul man recently escaped from moon jail. It’s simply adorable.

To round out the sample plate and overextend my food metaphor there’s Vamp which was smack dab in the middle of the innocent 80’s movie renaissance. It also features Grace Jones doing her thing as a vampire stripper and Drago back again looking a bit like a melted Tilda Swinton. Drago and Grace apparently threw parties every day of shooting and he even shared a champagne filled bathtub with her.


Weeeeeeeeeee!

Unfortunately I didn't love The Untouchables. From a stylistic standpoint it tried to have a finger in as many pies as Capone did to a similar fate. It's a mob movie, it's not, it's an immigrant story sort of, not really now, BAM here's one scene that's a Western homage... Anyway as far as fame goes this may be the high water mark of Drago’s whole career. That said, I just adore this guy no matter where and his roles big and small were all on this guy's back. His character Frank Nitti was based heavily on the real guy and while hanging out with the real life Nitti family, they grew to love him too. They'd call him 'uncle Frank' and sometimes even use him as a medium. Pretty cool stuff.


Although I want to, I really can’t plumb each actor’s entire oeuvre each time I want to share observations about them so hopefully this was a good smattering of stuff he done did. I guess the last thing I want to say is if someone who knew him reads this we are, if nothing else, proof that he was a pretty cool guy who left a lot of positive memories behind.

As an aside: I just saw the new Spider-Man in theaters by myself and my third eye really opened. Not because the movie was a good time but because going to movies alone lets the experience be completely undemocratized. I chose the time I wanted, left moments later, I went on a Tuesday night for the $5 ticket price, and I didn’t even have to pretend to be too busy to watch the post credits scene. Well one of them at least, there were probably several. I also didn’t feel like a weird loner. I just felt like a grown-ass adult. (Felt like it.)

Underpromise and overdeliver, that’s what my new motto round these here parts should be. I really was excited to make this blog but I flustered myself with ideas. I really like the concept of formally introducing the actors who always elicit an “Oh yeah! It’s them!” Especially this one, because there are many character actors I’d love to present to you. Like Patrick Fischler, and hopefully I won’t be half eulogizing him as well. I may revisit this idea.

A word

Sunlight rains down, the clouds part, and a medieval trumpeter toots a triumphant jingle. It’s finally here, the answer to a question on almost nobody’s lips, “When is Jake just going to start a movie blog?”

Yeah, I don’t know what this is going to be, whether it’s a movie review site or some sort of menagerie for whatever I feel. Probably I’ll just add or tweak one UI item each time I add a post so it doesn’t feel like such a chore and the site is eventually pretty looking.  It’ll be fast and loose, folks, but I do take comfort in the complete lack of judging eyes on this ‘fart in the wind’ of mine.

Here’s a fun game: I’ll list some bits and segments I’ve had rattling around and later we can all look back at what I never got around to.

An article about how reviewing Peter Sellers’ Being There (1979) is kind of missing the point.
A retrospective on the Creature From the Black Lagoon trilogy (1954-1956) and its often accidental tragicomic genius.
Corollary to that, a snugly adjacent review of Del Toro’s The Shape of Water (2017), in which I try my best to explain my love for this goofy footnote of fish-scented Americana. Spoiler: I love that movie, it’s immaculate.
One painfully biased and unnecessary review of David Lynch’s Dune (1984) some time before Duneis Villeduneve comes and elevates it to something you could hang in the Louvre.
An entire series where I take a look at different schlock horror franchises that went on for so long they became funny, then sad, then awesome and funny. I’m talkin’ bout Critters, I’m talkin’ bout Tremors, I’m talkin’ bout Leprechaun, Hellraiser,  Trancers, you name it. (Mostly though, I have this theory about thirds and fourths and why they always seem to be the installment where they go to outer space.)
A character actor spotlight series.
Something -anything- about Twin Peaks.
That’s already more than I’ll ever get to so in the meantime I’ll point you to Something Awful’s now discontinued Current Releases movie review rotation. These things were the bomb. One highlight I can’t recommend enough is their review of Judy Moody and the Not Bummer Summer in which reviewer Martin R. Schneider draws the short straw and the only way he can cope is by reading it as a Dadaist takedown of film itself. It’s possible you get something similar looking on my blog, but also maybe not.

Hi mom.