Monster of the Day

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There Be White Gold in Them There Hills (#6/15)

"So, Zach. Which Richard Donner movie do you like the best? No need to hurry. Take some time and think it over. I went to see every Richard Donner movie on the day they premiered. Every single one!

"Goonies,"
"Lost Boys."
The "Lethal Weapon" series.

But my favorite has to be "Ladyhawke." That was back in 1985, the same year as "Goonies." Both Rutger Hauer and Michelle Pfeiffer really shine in that one. but more than anything, it's the story setting that was really good. A love story about a cursed knight that changes into a wolf at night. And a cursed maiden that changes into a hawk during the day. Very romantic. Don't you think so, Zach? They can only be together at dusk, right between day and night... Together as humans for only a brief moment. Perfect setting for a fantasy movie!"

Now Playing: Ladyhawke (1985)
Expectations: I completely expect what York told me. Probably a goofy Princess Bride type flick.

Reality: Who invited Matthew Broderick? He's fine, but he's barely an actor. Especially when he was just a kid he does the same bit as Daisy Ridley. Make a slightly bewildered face with your mouth slightly agape, crying now and again to remind the audience that extreme human emotions exist too.

Broderick's okay though, he can be ignored. York did too. Doesn't even get a single mention in all that and Broderick's wily thief character is our main narration and constant comedic relief. He's got an accent in this movie but just enough of one to let you know he's attempting it without sounding like anyone other than himself (acting). All right, he's off the hook.

Rutger Hauer is fun too but not stupendous. His obvious magnum opus is Roy Batty from Blade Runner, you can just see the natural smile on his face as absolute pearls fall from his mouth. My recommendation since I'd still like to give one is actually a single season of a TV show nobody watched called Channel Zero. If you cut it into a movie it would be one of the best horror movies of the last decade. In season 3 (anthology, so you can skip right to it), Hauer plays a powerful haunting force who belonged to a wealthy meat packing empire in the midwest. Obviously it's representative of real horrors since it's good genre material but it does a great job of making them relevant to the plight of a fresh from college type. It's got a good mix of new age as well as eternal issues that wrack society, especially low income. Highlights include a gothic dinner table mind control lobotomy and an endless field of flowers that grow from the mandrakes of human hands.



I should also mention he plays a blind vigilante karate master 'Nam vet in Blind Rage. How could I not?

Can you tell the movie in question bored me a little? It's got a positively 80's soundtrack but it's a bit stuck in time in a moldy sense. About the second or third time someone hopped onto a horse with funky Steely Dan jams backing them it got less and less funny. The closest thing to a surprise is when Alfred Molina shows up as a henchman. He rocks the role but it wouldn't be several years before he got the proper amount of breathing room to bring a great movie villain to life. Zach knows who I'm talking about.

This plays like an overlong Kevin Sorbo Hercules episode. And I sincerely hope you take that comment for what it means to you. Overall, I am glad to have seen it and I generally recognize Richard Donner as a certified cool dude so bless York for paying his dues here. I always give Broderick a chance to blow me away but usually it's the strength of the movie he's in that lifts him up...

I've given the finale of this series a good bit of thought, and I think you'll be happy with what I've got cooking. It feels good to be able to pluralize my reader base now even if this is just a digital version of the diaries I've been keeping for ages. So thanks fellas, stay peachy.

Now We're Cooking (Larvae) With Gas (#5/15)

"Speaking of 80's movies, one jewel in the rough comes to mind. "Deadly Spawn." You remember that one, Zach? Back in 83, directed by Douglas McKeown. Right, it was filmed pretty cheap but still it was pretty good. The monster design, with the mouth crammed full of teeth, I loved it. So many delicious B-movie cliches! Did you know that they made a sequel? But I never got to see the sequel. The rental store didn't have it, for some reason. They said the staff for the sequel was totally different from the original. I wonder how the sequel turned out. You know, the monster in that one responded to sound."

Now Playing: The Deadly Spawn (1983)
Expectations: York does a pretty thorough job here, as usual, but more so since you really get a feel for what this is. Here we go!

Reality: I now cherish this movie! Also, I appreciate York (Hidetaka Suehiro I suppose) even more for deciding it was worth celebrating and finding out a way to make this little reference into a disguised clue for players of the game. There's a great movie night here just waiting to happen.

First off, this may disappoint some moviegoers just looking for a dumb, brainless monster movie. It does deliver on that but it plays even better to the enthusiast. If you've seen a couple joints like this one and enjoyed them, strap in because this is worth finding even late in your schlock career. Your B-movie journey is not over. (/SPOILER/ It never is. /SPOILER/)

Pete is a scientific shut-in who has eyes for Ellen who is all too often with Frankie for Pete's liking. They all go to a house under the pretense of a studying session (it wouldn't be relatable or cliche if it didn't work so well...) and there's an alien in the basement. That's it. The fun thing about a pressure situation in one room or one house just means you can enjoy the characters more as they bounce off each other. And I saved the best one for last.

Charlie is the young kid who's always watching horror movies and designing his own costumes. We see this character all the time of course as the director's self-insert. Usually, I love when this happens but when used outside of horror it can get pretty insufferable. Milo from Society is Brian Yuzna, wardrobe and all. Also in The Monster Squad there's one kid wearing this shirt which is obviously not something any kid would do in a vacuum. Charlie though is the knowledgeable ally in this one. The fun part is how Charlie and Pete study the monster in their own ways. Pete with a scientific brain and mindfulness, and Charlie because of his bravery and movie monster knowledge.

Monster Squad, Society, The Deadly Spawn

They start by studying the monster larvae which look like little leeches. The puppets are all really good and the way they swim is just excellent. My guess is they were pulled along with strings just below the waterline but socketed over a wavy metal rod (think cleaning off a dipstick) to give them that flagellating movement. The design really is sublime; all I'll say is they're very... Giger inspired if you know what I mean and I do believe you do. A betting man would say the Deadly Spawns are goy.

I'll have to check out that sequel York was talking about. Actually, Google doesn't even make it easy to find it so if it's that obscure now then York really knew his stuff back when the OG Premonition dropped.

Maybe I'll drive out to Bend, Oregon and pick up the sequel at the last Blockbuster Video on the planet, just in honor of York. Check this one out and I'll see you again in one, maybe two days. Good night Markus!

Dog Person Dislikes Cat People (#4/15)

"We have Nastassja Kinski in the lead role and Paul Schrader directing. Back in 1981... That's right, Zach! Cat People! About a woman who turns into a leopard when she falls in love... And then eats the person she loves! I thought it was romantic! Real romance right there, Zach! Nastassja was perfect for that role. Casting her made the movie a success. Malcolm McDowell as her brother was also a good call. He's like a panther even without any of that special Hollywood make up!"

Now Playing: Cat People (1982)
Expectations: Not really sure if this is going to be hilarious or arty but it's pretty clear what it's about.

Reality: Nastassja Kinski spends 40% of Cat People totally nude. Not important, but it does tell you how unnecessary this movie is. So does Annette O'Toole at one point just to drive the point home. Supposedly there are really heavy topics like incest and serious abuse at the hands of family members that this movie wants to talk about but they're just... part of it. I just think there needed to be a reason for the movie to have those topics in the first place. It gets even darker if you know anything about Nastassja Kinski's father but I'll leave that alone. I had no idea who Paul Schrader was but I guess he's done really great stuff before. Directed First Reformed and wrote a handful of movies for Scorsese, even. Including Taxi Driver and my personal favorite Scorsese pick, Bringing out the Dead. That was an adapted screenplay as well as Cat People, which was a remake too.

I just wasn't feeling it. John Heard, another Home Alone actor, who played Kevin's dad in that one is now the love interest of Kinski. He's not particularly interested in getting eaten by a cat during pillow talk and basically the movie's about how to fix that. Malcolm McDowell plays a full tilt window licking creep with cat eyes which is really his element now, isn't it? Let me just say... he plays an affectionate brother.

York was right about McDowell of course, but his character wasn't even in the original movie. Which also means that all that heavy shit didn't need to be there, especially if it gets ignored anyway. They could have attempted to make the concept, I don't know, fun? It's pretty out there that York thought this was romantic but as it goes it's just another minute detail to clue you into where Deadly Premonition is going and how you can expect York to react to things.

Gettin' to Da Choppah (#3/15)

"Blue Thunder! Came out in 1983 and was directed by John Badham. Malcolm plays the bad guy in that one. Just totally outshines the hero, Roy Scheider... least I think so. I have to say, not many people agree with me about Blue Thunder."

Now Playing: Blue Thunder (1983)
Expectations: Totally blank slate. I know Roy Scheider's in it and there may or may not be a helicopter?

Reality: A perfectly good underdog of an action movie with a slow burn and a final act worth waiting for. Roy Scheider plays a 'Nam vet helicopter pilot cop with Daniel Stern (the Home Alone goon who isn't Joe Pesci) as his green screwball protégé. He gets wrapped up in a plot to heavily over-militarize the police force with the main centerpiece: Blue Thunder, a Robocop level over the top super chopper.



Roy Scheider's character is perfect. Not understated, not played out; just right for the movie and never overplays it's hand. The dressing-downs from the no nonsense chief in this are extremely fun but not cartoony. Like barbershop ribbing that feels written. The weakest part would be Daniel Stern's goofball wingman but he's more than paid for by a great adversary played by Malcolm McDowell. I gotta disagree a bit with York here as I have a lot of appreciation for an understated hero but Malcolm definitely brings it.

Rest assured the slow moments of the movie are doing their due diligence, laying out the train tracks for the explosive ending full of gratifying callbacks and whatnot. I really cannot oversell the ending, it is that good. You get a very classic finale even though it's pretty clear how it will wrap up long before then.

All right, so if I'm telling the truth why haven't you heard of Blue Thunder? Good question. As always, this movie's most egregious sin may well be because 1983 was a dynamite year for movies in the first place so a standout is... unlikely. But if you can handle a deliberate cop movie and a more subtle take to the Robocop blueprint, Blue Thunder crushes it.

Talkin' Flicks with Me, Myself, and Zach (#2/15)


"Filmed in 1978. Produced, directed, written and edited by John De Bello. It was really awful but for some reason I still remember it pretty well. It had so many sequels and the original was re-released in 95. 87 minute long theatrical release, bumped up to a whopping 90 minutes! But that was around the time I joined the bureau. I never had a chance to see it..."

We're talkin' of course, about
Now Playing: Attack of the Killer Tomatoes (1990)
Expectations: I'm setting the bar lower than a limbo stick tonight. These are mostly B movies after all. The only thing I've heard of this movie is what York told me and honestly that was mostly about the DVD format wars. The man loves his special features. I'm expecting some classic zombie movie spoofs, and some cutesy humor.

Reality: Adorable. Where to begin? First off, this is one of those slapstick comedies with tons of sight gags and dad joke energy just radiating off of it like Chernobyl. Too fun. Immediately it starts off with the theme song: "AttaAAAAAAck of the Killer Toe MAYY Tooooes!" Probably not everyone will be but I was pretty charmed to imagine John De Bello just working late in his study writing the lyrics while his wife yelled at him to come to bed. The songs are bad. For better and for worse.

One bit that got some laughs out of me was when the gov't set up their anti-tomato task force with a chief of disguises. Every 15 minutes or so we'd check in on this serious black dude in a roly poly tomato costume. This movie is precious, but don't watch it if you're not down with the Top Secret or Naked Gun modus operandi of humor. There's tons of influence going on here; I even think the ending may have inspired Mars Attacks which seems like a very safe thing to say given my audience.

Here's a fun full circle fact: This was Dana Ashbrook's first role before he took on Bobby Briggs in Twin Peaks. Well that was fun, good one York. I'll see you next time!

Movie Night With Agent York (#1/15)


Welcome to the first of a fifteen part series where I briefly rate Mr. Francis York Morgan's favorite movies as laid out in his monologues (dialogues?) as told in Deadly Premonition culminating long-awaited, never expected sequel due July 10th.

Now Playing: Arachnophobia (1990)
Expectations: Oh boy. None, really. Frank Marshall sucks a whole hell of a lot and doesn't usually direct movies. Then again neither did his wife, Kathleen Kennedy, but that hasn't stopped either of them from reaching peak Hollywood clout. The only movie of his I'd seen before was Congo and I still don't forgive Aaron for picking it. Congo somehow managed to make an ape laser fight on a river of lava boring and really, don't that tell all?
















Reality: Goddamnit York. We're not off to a great start. Halfway through the movie I was begging for the human characters to jump into a spider's mouth. Jeff Daniels plays an asshole new-in-town doctor from San Francisco who bitches about an elderly doctor not giving up his spot despite his very understandable stated reason for not retiring: all his friends are dead and he has nothing else in life. You know those movies where the dad is too much of a wage slave and he ends up showing his family how much he cares at the end by throwing his yuppie cell phone out the window? Yeah, he doesn't do that. He just moves back to San Francisco and drinks expensive wine.

Slowly... much too slowly, I realized that the spiders are never going to be larger than tarantula sized. Which is a bit sad as a tarantula owner because knowing how much energy most tarantulas actually have to spend in a day is quite comforting. Anyways, apparently they spent the money instead on importing and training ACTUAL DAMN SPIDERS from New Zealand whilst taking the utmost care to keep them happy despite not actually being able to ship them back afterwards. Supposedly the spiders were subjected to a rigorous slew of tests for general aptitude, leg count, physical agility, speed, endurance, strength, and finally a swimsuit/talent competition. I only told one lie in that sentence.

The movie's fine, I guess. It really does imply there will at least be a giant spider but there's not. Actually, they get smaller as the movie progresses. A bigger sin is misusing John Goodman as just some guy who shows up for a collective 15 minutes or so. At some point I was beginning to hope John Goodman would be the big bad spider at the end but oh well, perish the thought. Ultimately, it also utterly fails the horror movie test of "If I take away the scary is there still an interesting story going on?"

Aight, I'm done with Frank Marshall and his peanut gallery crew. See you tomorrow where I review my life choices. Also Attack of the Killer Tomatoes!! (1978) Isn't that right, Zach?

Monster of the Day

It's the rich! You know, rich people? Them!